such as

My gramps.

His favorite threat is, “…or I’ll put you in a wheelchair.”

I used to fear the notion that I was becoming like my mother.

Then I realized were exactly the same. The thoughts that run in my mind could easily be my mother’s:

“I don’t think this is short enough.”

“I’m going to let him stand outside for 20 more minutes.”

“It would be cuter if it had an exposed back.”

“I don’t really sweat so I don’t use deodorant.”

“These shoes are 5.5 inches but I’m going to be sitting down the rest of the night so it don’t matter.”

It's too bad I don't have attrocious manners

cuz I want someone to say, “Were you raised in a barn?” to me and I can be like, “Yeah.”

Ever have one of those days

youcankeepthechange:

where all the dudes you see look like every guy you’ve had an irrational, hardcore crush on and it makes you feel nervous and unsettled so you sit outside and chain smoke and dream about just dropping everything and moving to some place in the Midwest where you have about an eight week window before everyone knows you’re a loser but thinks your art is the bees fucking knees and doesn’t ever leave you stranded at a Dave & Buster’s because you’re “taking too long” to drink the overpriced Starbucks shit they won’t let you bring inside but then you realize how broke you are and how by the time you had money for that move, you’d actually have some money and could maybe just buy a suitor off the internet because it’ll be THE FUTURE and they might have something like that? And you seriously contemplate quitting your dumb retail job to finally write that novel and live in some shady hood the delivery guy won’t even come to? I’m totally having one of those days. I think this is how comedians are born. Or serial killers.

No wonder those games never finished.

I was always taking the dice hostage until someone sold me property.

there are people who finish monopoly games?

Someone tell me more about this phenomena.